Thursday, May 15, 2008

Frequently Asked Questions Answered

  1. Does the Ranger read what you write before you post it on the blog? Answer: No. He likes his breakfast to stay put.
  2. Does he get upset when he reads personal things about himself, like the fact that he sings when he poops? Answer: No. He's a remarkably good sport.
  3. Has he ever been offended by your tone? Answer: Only by the possibility that I might use words like, "blow job" or "lickety biscuit," or that I might relate the incident now famously dubbed the "slipper slap." And he was a bit peeved by a vague reference to a lack of environmental stewardship in Pennsylvania. He would like to state, for the record, that folks in Johnstown DO, in fact, recycle.
  4. Does your ex-husband read your blog? Answer: I have no idea. But if he does, I'm sure he's planning on giving his high-priced divorce attorney a huge Christmas bonus.
  5. If you didn't have the Ranger to write about, what would you focus on? Answer: Probably, my own bowel movements.
  6. Are your parents shocked by some of the things you write? Answer: When my mother reads the blog, she shakes her head, slams a tumbler of Crown and Seven, pumps her fist in the air and shouts, "Fuck yeah, that's my girl." My father has a cold compress on his forehead at all times.
  7. Is there anything, anything at all that's off limits? Answer: The sex life of my friends. For now.
  8. Are you really that bitter or is that just part of your facade: Answer: I'm only bitter on Wednesdays. The other six days, I stay heavily medicated.
  9. Will you ever return to New Mexico? Answer: Never say never. But I'm kinda fond of the moss growing up my legs. Keeps me from having to shave.
  10. Are you really a hockey fan? Answer: Let's just say, that whenever the Penguins win a game, I want to lick the Ranger's face as if he were suddenly transformed into a pound of crisp bacon.
And the most frequently asked question: How much of this is true, and how much do you make up? Answer: Stay tuned.

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