What...do I look like an expert? Lately, I've gotten a number of inquiries from men in their late 20s and early 30s: Second Edition, how do I meet an older woman? First of all, let me confess, I HAVE NO IDEA. It's not like there's a secret Cougar Club with a backdoor entrance where us gals dress in scanty outfits, exchange secret handshakes and swap pup data, like sightings, lair locations, newly registered breeds, and hunting grounds. Unless, of course, you count your local Aveda spa.
But I can offer this, young men. If you are lucky enough to meet a single, older woman and she doesn't offer you a buck to park her car or ask if you own a lawn mower...if in fact, you have a shot at the Brass Ring, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. She is not your meal ticket. Just because she makes more money than you doesn't mean she wouldn't like YOU to pick up the tab now and then. A five-star restaurant isn't necessary, but please no eating establishments with polished brass, tiki torches, chili dogs, a drive-thru window, fishing nets as wall art or signs that say NO HANDGUNS, NO SPITTING, NO FIGHTING. No sporks, lobster bibs, condom machines in the bathroom or signs that say Hooters or that use a serif font. And a decent wine list with a carefully edited selection of French and Italian wines is also appreciated. This is not to say that you have to have the knowledge of a sommelier, just don't get all WIDE-EYED when you discover there's a cork atop that bottle and not a screw cap. And yes, it will probably cost more than $10 so sell that skateboard.
And no, don't expect her to pay off your student loans, either. All those years of unsupervised dope smoking, casual sex, petty theft and sports bars...that's on you, honey.
2. She is not your Mom. If you need someone to make sure you go to the dentist or who picks up your dirty boxers off the floor, then you don't really need a woman, you need a personal assistant. Or maybe just a handy stack of post-it notes. Good luck with that.
3. Don't tell her things like, "You sure look hot for your age," or "You'll love my mom, she has that same shirt," or "It must have sucked to have been born before women had the right to vote," or "What was it like before television?" Needless to say, no Second Base, no hiding the sausage, no free toothbrush after such thoughtless remarks. We may be older, but our hand-eye coordination is still pretty damn good so watch closely as we slap you out of the ball park.
4. Assuming that much of your attraction to older women is grounded in the reality that we are whip smart, self-assured, worldly, comfortable in our own skin, unwilling to take shit and don't have any Blanks that need to be filled in, please don't whimper and feel insecure when we know some things you don't. Think of it as a free set of encyclopedias. In lingerie.
5. When the two of you are out together and someone mistakes her for your mom or so much as raises a wise-cracking brow...be a man and step up. A verbal confrontation isn't always necessary. Sometimes a perfectly timed gesture will do. Once, when a waitress mistook me for the Ranger's mom, he moved in, grabbed ahold of my left butt cheek and then licked my face, from jawline to eyebrow, in one fell swoop, like the handsome Labrador retriever he is. The pup got a special treat for that.
So much more wisdom to offer boys...but really, I feel I must open this one up to the Sista's. Any thoughtful advice you can offer, Ladies?