Black Friday -- Scene I, Take I: Drinking WORLD FAMOUS MARGARITAS at The Taos Inn. Two middle-aged women, after sheepishly spying on our table, finally grab their coats and squeeze past tightly knit tables, drink coasters in hand. Shyly, one of them taps The Ranger on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, sir. Are you Johnny Depp? Because you look EXACLY like him. And if you are, would you mind giving us an autograph?”
Not really an outrageous question when you consider that George Clooney and Kevin Spacey have recently been spotted in Albuquerque bars while shooting a movie.
Dad: Who in God’s name is Johnny Depth?
Cousin Lia: Depp. Two Ps. Not depth. Edward Scissorhands?
Dad: Who has scissor hands?
Me: Jesus, here we go. This happens. The Johnny Depp thing.
Aunt Cooky: Does that mean you get mistaken for Johnny Depp’s mother?
Me: Hey, that’s not funny. A nurse once thought I was his mother. She wrote it on the damn chart.
Aunt Cooky: It’s the neck waddle. The women in this family are all cursed with a waddle. It’s genetic. Were you not wearing a scarf? You know you should always wear a scarf.
Dad: What in God’s name is a neck wabble?
Cousin Lia: It’s what happens when you get old and you can’t hold your head up anymore. You know. Like newborn babies.
Dad: I was once mistaken for Julia Roberts. You see…we have the same initials and go to the same massage therapist and one day the lady at the front desk…
Me: Dad. Come on. You really think anyone believes Julia Roberts is hiding in plain sight disguised as a short, Mexican man with thinning hair and a gold tooth.
Dad: Don’t make fun of the tooth. Someday, it’ll be worth something. You have to pull it before they close the casket. Remember? It’s in the will.
Aunt Cooky: We might need to pull it NOW. Have you seen how much the drinks are here?
Cousin Lia: Hey, if he signs your coaster, will you buy us a round of drinks?
Ranger: No. No. No. No. I’m sorry M’am. I’m not Johnny Depp.
Aunt Cooky: And do you really think Johnny Depp hangs around with a bunch of Mexicans?
Dad: We’re not Mexican. We’re HISPANIC. There’s a difference.
Me: What exactly is the difference?
Dad: Well…for starters…Mexicans wear cowboy hats. And they only drive Fords.
This might explain why, when the airplane was delayed at the gate while preparing to fly to Portland, the Ranger...he got out and pushed.